…and then I found 5 dollars.

The US Navy has had some recent problems with Chinese Sailors stripping down to their underwear.  Relax everyone, lets take the terror alert down a notch.  This has got to be just a publicity stunt for The Green Leaves.

Yatta!

I am not moving to Alabama.  Nor am I getting another puppy.

Jillian left facebook open at my house 2 weeks ago.  So I changed her status to say she was moving back to Alabama.  Immediately she got about 20 people wanting to know: wtf.  Its a good gag.  Which probably explains why she did the same thing to me, except in a message to all of the people I invited to sideshow, which is everyone I know on facebook in Atlanta.

This happened maybe a week ago.  Yesterday I was still asked if I’m moving to Alabama.  I don’t even know what I’m doing in Atlanta, people, what the fuck could I possibly get out of Alabama?  Shot.  I could get shot by someone protecting their cabbage farm/hillbilly breeding ground from pretentious and sarcastic yankees.

Also, I am not getting another dog.  Sorry, Jake and Elwood will have to do.  100 lbs of dogs in a one bedroom apartment is enough.  The new puppy would have to sleep on the floor.  Or rather…  I would have to sleep on the floor.

So the gauntlet has been thrown down, Jillian.  Sleep with one eye open.  And also sleep with the other eye open.

Last weekend was a killer.  But now I’m pretty sure I have recovered.  Friday night was Sideshow, which is a show you need to go see if you haven’t already.  Its every Friday night at midnight at the relapse theater.  I edited the show, and gave Chris, Jillian, Damian, and Derek a nice tour of the world and of Atlanta.  Seeing as improv doesn’t work re-told, you’ll just have to go see it for yourself.  www.sideshowimprov.com. Try to go on a day that I’m editing.  Or you know, anyone else will do.  I guess.

Saturday we had the Valentine’s Day sketch show.  I’m glad it worked out as well as it did, because we certainly didn’t take our time to prep for it.  In fact, these two videos were shot and edited in the week before the show.  Not ideal, but hey, I’m really happy with how they came out.

and this one was done by Scott Rogers and the Dorn Bros:

Happy Valentine’s Day.

We tried to do an Amish Speed Dating skit, but it didn’t work.  Remember when I said improv doesn’t work re-told?  That one was proof.  Except it will never see the light of day, so as far as proof goes, you’ll just have to take my word for it.

And of course, after that show was a Your Mom’s Mom show, which was fun.  We’ve got another one this Saturday, so come to that because we’re only getting better.  We keep telling ourselves.  We will be smashing up with the guys that created that 3rd video.  It will be interesting.

(AP) — Automotive repair specialists Just Brakes CEO John Waterton announced yesterday that the company will no longer be known for ‘we really do care’ and will take a ‘for profit’ approach.

Customers have been having mixed reactions to the company’s perspective change.  “I can respect a company who is honest up front,” says Dariah McNann, a customer for over 30 years.  Other long-time customers, such as Daniel Starfnoff of Atlanta, were not as accepting of the change.  “I drove across the state of Georgia to find a company that cared enough to fix my brakes.  Also, I couldn’t slow down or stop.”

The recession prompted this company-wide policy change.  “I learned this money saving strategy in college by breaking up with my girlfriend before Valentine’s Day.  The jewlery she wanted from Tiffany’s would have set me back a grand, easy.” announced Waterton.  Applying that strategy to Just Brake’s customer base will save the company thousands in the next few months.  Waterton concluded the press release, stating “In 3 months, we will roll out the final step in the strategy by calling back all of our customers, apologetic, and drunk as hell.”

I’ve been reading a lot lately about the new Presidency and their technology preferences.  I’m obviously subscribed to too many tech blogs.  Obama is trying to figure out what PDA to use.  Or rather, the nation is trying to figure out what PDA Obama should use.  It wasn’t a problem before because they just gave Bush a 4 pack of crayons and the back of a Denny’s placemat.

When his administration walked into the White House they found it was all technologically outdated.  And PCs.  Come on, this is not the way to run the country.  On PCs?  No wonder we’re in a recession.  Hadn’t the Bush Administration seen the mac ads?  Or this: http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/2008/01/30/39-apple-products/ ?  Hello, Republicans = Old White People.  White people like Apple products.  So why is this now an issue?

As for Obama’s PDA, at the end of the day, who cares.  Get one that has good games.  Since Obama is now President, the bad in the world is no-more.  He doesn’t have to worry about risking national security  by leaking e-mails because nobody is hacking maliciously anymore.  So I think he should walk around with a sega genesis controller just to fuck with people.

I just got through the askmen.com 99 most desirable women of 09.  I am exhausted.

Click this to check it out.  Hot stuff, coming through.

I don’t know how much I agree on the order, although I am really happy that Hayden Gartman Panettiere beat Angelina Jolie.  I’m also happy to see Dania Ramirez cuz she’s hot, and Olivia Munn and Layla Kayleigh cuz they’re hot, and Emmanuelle Chriqui cuz she’s hot.  And also everyone else was nice too.  Also I’ve met 3 of the 99.  I am working on meeting the rest.  See if you can guess who.  Nope, wrong.

Shared by Lev

Seriously, what are interns even for, anymore? They don’t get coffee, they don’t now your lawn, and they get all touchy when sexually harassed. And not the good kind of touchy. I’m living in the wrong era.

Back in our day, if you weren’t busy walking up uphill both ways, you’d write your own dang fake reviews on Amazon, but apparently Belkin’s Michael Bayard — or a clever impostor looking to smear the man’s good name — decided it’d be easier and totally non-obvious to hire people on Mechanical Turk to do it for him. For a whopping $0.65 cents you can write a 5 out of 5 review of a Belkin product, and downrank negative reviews while you’re at it. Michael Bayard is a Business Development Representative at Belkin, and seems to have pulled the Mechanical Turk posting, but the him and his company have yet to comment publicly. Say it ain’t so, Mike!

Filed under: Networking

Belkin rep hiring folks to write fake reviews on Amazon? originally appeared on Engadget on Sat, 17 Jan 2009 19:12:00 EST. Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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…but I doubt it. Right now I am 35,000 feet above the earth. No, that is not a pot reference, (sure? Yes.) I’m flying to new jersey to meet my niece, Lillian. Elwood wanted to come, he proved to me before I left that he fits conveniently in the overhead storage bin.

So I haven’t written in a while despite the requests of my 2 blog readers. Why? 1-2 improv performances a week. Shooting and editing 3 different viral video projects for TNT and tbs. (800,000 hits on YouTube for Turkey Bowling) A tbs web show project. Saving Grace promotions for TNT. Performing in and making video sketches for a Jackpie sketch show. Editing Sideshow Multimedia Improv performances. Making a ship in a bottle. Playing dodgeball and realizing the value of an athletic supporter. Making movies, making pilots, making web series. I’m positive I’m forgetting things. So its come down to neglecting the dogs or not blogging. I don’t want to disappoint my public so I’m going to have the dogs put to sleep.

Anyway, I’m building up steam in Atlanta. Theres a lot of great projects I’m working on that are going to make us all famous. Oh, shit, planes gonna land. Look out, terrorist geese organizations!

Stay tuned.

Just got the iPhone, brevity when typing is my new best friend. Kinda difficult to type but otherwise very useful. While waiting for friends in NYC, searched the map (which already knew my location) for the closest starbucks. It was across the street. Besides tilting my head up and using my eyeballs, how else could I possibly have found a starbucks?

I decided to write a short movie about waiting in line last night to get a drink at the movie theater. But I’m pretty sure it’d be feature length.

THE WAITING

By Lev Gartman

INT MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT

LOGLINE: Atlanta, 11:10PM.

Roughly 20 people wait in 3 separate lines outside a movie concession stand. A CONCESSION STAND WORKER(male, 35) with abnormally low IQ works the concession stand at the movie theater. A small, but manageable line forms in front of him. At the counter are a YOUNG COUPLE(male and female, 30s) on a date. Behind them are GOTH TEEN 1(female, 20) and GOTH TEEN 2(female, 20). GOTH TEEN 1 has long black hair and lots of piercings. And is shockingly ugly, but hey, thats probably why she’s goth. When was the last time you actually looked at their face instead of at the ground, scared? GOTH TEEN 2 is also shockingly ugly, but has her hair up and tight in what can be described as “an accident”. Behind them waits SHORT HAIRY JEWISH MAN(male, 24) with his hands in his pockets. And up walks MEATHEAD(male, 25) and DECENTLY ATTRACTIVE GIRL WHO IS TOO ATTRACTIVE FOR MEATHEAD, CONFUSING SHORT HAIRY JEWISH MAN(female, 20). The Marquee reads “AWFUL MOVIE 2: YOU MUST HAVE COME WITH A LARGE GROUP AND HAD NO PREFERENCE - 11:15PM”.

CONCESSION STAND WORKER waits on YOUNG COUPLE. They ad lib dialogue. Doesn’t really matter if it has anything to do with conducting a snack food purchase.

LOGLINE: Atlanta, 11:15 PM

None of the characters have moved. There is progress between CONCESSION STAND WORKER

and YOUNG COUPLE. GOTH TEEN 3(female, 20) and GOTH TEEN 4(male, 20) enter, and get in line with GOTH TEEN 1 and 2. Ugly quotient is upped. GOTH TEEN 3 blends into the background, as one does when there are too many people in one area trying to be ‘unique’. GOTH TEEN 4 (Male) kicks GOTH TEEN 2 in the leg.

GOTH TEEN 4
Hello!

GOTH TEEN 2
Ow!

GOTH TEEN 2 punches GOTH TEEN 4. GOTH TEEN 4 punches GOTH TEEN 2. This goes on for a while. SHORT HAIRY JEWISH MAN continues to wait, even though he was cut in line, because they probably won’t order anything. Oh, and GOTH TEEN 4 has a mohawk, and I’m sorry, it looks stupid. SHORT HAIRY JEWISH MAN remembers that he should not judge.

LOGLINE: Atlanta, 11:20PM

FRIEND OF SHORT HAIRY JEWISH MAN walks out of theater to see if SHORT HAIRY JEWISH MAN is still on line. He is. YOUNG COUPLE has completed their transaction and GOTH TEEN 1 orders.

FRIEND OF SHORT HAIRY JEWISH MAN
You really want that soda, don’t you?

SHORT HAIRY JEWISH MAN
Now its more the principle of the thing.

LOGLINE: Atlanta, 11:30PM

CONCESSION MANAGER (male, 30) opens a new register.

CONCESSION MANAGER
I’ll take whoever is next in line.

MEATHEAD runs over to the line while DECENTLY ATTRACTIVE GIRL WHO IS TOO ATTRACTIVE FOR MEATHEAD, CONFUSING SHORT HAIRY JEWISH MAN is not looking. She follows him several beats later, when he yells:

MEATHEAD
What do you want!?!?

LOGLINE: Atlanta, 11:55PM

GOTH TEEN 1 and 2 have ordered, and taken their candy to the movie theater. SHORT HAIRY JEWISH MAN is not surprised when GOTH TEENS 3 and 4 also order. Separately. Mohawk still looks stupid.

LOGLINE: Atlanta, 12:10AM

GOTH TEEN 4 orders a popcorn. CONCESSION STAND WORKER who is working on his GED (I don’t mean at this point in his life, I mean right this very instant) eventually brings the popcorn to him. GOTH TEEN 4 gets overly excited at black nail polish and knocks his popcorn all over the concession stand register. CONCESSION STAND WORKER begins the process of getting him another one.

LOGLINE: Atlanta, 12:40AM

Each GOTH TEEN manages to hold all of their food items upright and go to see GET SMART. The jig is up. SHORT HAIRY JEWISH MAN steps up to the counter.

LOGLINE: Atlanta 12:55AM

CONCESSION STAND WORKER comes back from wherever the hell he was. You know when you look at someone and they just look dumb? He looks like that.

SHORT HAIRY JEWISH MAN
(abruptly, while holding out a 5 dollar bill, which he never moves from plain sight of himself and CONCESSION STAND WORKER) I’ll take a small freeze, half coke, half wild cherry.

LOGLINE: Atlanta, 1:05AM

CONCESSION STAND WORKER
We’re out of wild berr…

SHORT HAIRY JEWISH MAN
What else ya got?

CONCESSION STAND WORKER
We’ve got strawber…

SHORT HAIRY JEWISH MAN
Do it.

LOGLINE: Atlanta, 1:25AM

The CONCESSION STAND WORKER places the drink on the counter.

CONCESSION STAND WORKER
That will be five dollars.

SHORT HAIRY JEWISH MAN waves the five dollar bill, remembering that sometimes if you hold things very still they will disappear from vision. He assumes this is the only possible explanation for holding a five dollar bill in someone’s face for a half hour, and then having them ask you for it. SHORT HAIRY JEWISH MAN grabs his drink and a straw just in time to see his friends coming out of the theater, as the movie is over.

THE END.